pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Two years ago, I was reeling from my first miscarriage. I sat down and wrote the following, trying to make sense of what was happening. Two years ago, I wasn’t ready to share. Today, I am so incredibly that one of my three pregnancies worked, and I have a beautiful baby girl.

But this is still my story. And I will use my voice to talk about it and normalize it.

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Today I am two weeks not pregnant. 

In those two weeks, I’ve had to fly cross country and go to work while actively miscarrying, apply for FMLA when I didn’t want to leave my bed for more than three days, plan a shit ton of activities to try to distract myself, and had countless amounts of blood drawn. 

One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. Not one in four women. Pregnancies. Yet it still seems like such a lonely journey, with very little helpful information out there. People are sharing their stories more often, but it's usually something you look up after the fact. It's not something you prepare for. My husband and I were pretty vocal about trying to conceive and being a little bit pregnant. I even told people to temper their excitement because it was very likely that it could end in miscarriage. 

But I was not prepared. Not for the physical pain. Not for the emptiness I still feel. 

We were lucky to have supportive friends and family that knew when to give us space and knew when we needed a drink (or five). However, I’ve quickly had to learn how to quiet my thoughts and behave like a normal person when what I assume to be Well Meaning People attempt to have a regular conversation with me. Even when I feel broken most of the time. 

Well Meaning Person: How was your vacation?

Inner Monologue: Well, it was all going fine until my body decided to miscarry. I spent the last night getting up to go to the bathroom to stuff more toilet paper in my pajamas to not stain my friend’s couch with what seemed like a scary amount of blood, crying into my husband’s arms, and doubling over from the most painful cramps I’ve ever experienced. I then had what I imagine was a lovely brunch with my husband’s aunt and uncle, and had to decide whether or not to fly home that day and risk hemorrhaging. Needless to say the overall trip was a bit marred.

Me: Nice. I just really love the beach, so it was great! 

Well Meaning Person: How’s work going?

Inner Monologue: Awful. I work with infants and toddlers, so having to go see baby after really cute baby can be really taxing. It's also super difficult to half ass some things and not be able to tell everyone. One of my co-workers just broke up with her live-in boyfriend, and we got her group flowers. I just keep wishing that someone would hug me and give me flowers, but am nervous about how they’ll respond. 

Me: Fine, busy as usual!

Well Meaning Person: When are you going to start trying again?

Inner Monologue: Are you kidding me? I’m still grieving the loss of my baby, of how I won’t get to spend Mother’s Day this year holding my new child. I went and bought one tiny hat after the doctor confirmed I was pregnant (stupid, why did I let myself get excited?) and have alternated between wanting to hold it and cry and wanting to burn it and scream. But I’ll be sure to let you know when my husband and I are start having unprotected sex again. 

Me:  Hmmm, not sure yet!

Well Meaning Person: At least you know you can make a baby!

Inner Monologue: Just not keep it alive. Hell of a silver lining. 

Me: Mmmmhmmm!

Well Meaning Person: *Posts pictures of cute baby, baby bump, etc on Instagram*

Inner Monologue: *Bursts into tears then throws computer or other mobile device out the window*

Me: *Scrolls down, maybe throwing out a like depending on level of friend*

Well Meaning Person: When are you lovebirds having kids?

Inner Monologue: I guess this is why we should be more vocal about miscarriages. I’m hoping that people aren’t trying to break my heart when they ask this, but it still hurts. I promise myself to never (or at least try to never) ask anyone that question ever again. Who am I to know if they have had one or four miscarriages, if they have been trying for 2 years, or if they simply don’t want any?

Me: Not yet!

Today I am two weeks not pregnant. 

Two weeks and one day ago, I was seven weeks pregnant, thinking and planning for the future. Yes, it was early. Yes, it still really, really hurt. 

Although nothing in my daily life has changed, everything feels different. I carry anger and sadness and fear and guilt and hope and emptiness, yet know that others have it so much worse. Like my (fabulous, wonderful, kind) doctor said, my body may heal quickly, but our souls may take a little longer to feel whole again. I know that I can, and will go on. 

I’m sick of forcing myself to speak with exclamation points at the end of my sentence when I feel like curling up into a ball and never coming out. I’m sick of feeling alone, when I know others have felt this way. 

And I should be able to ask for a damn hug whenever I feel like it.

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Miss you little lentil.

parenting with anxiety

This weekend I showed up to a friend’s brunch an hour early. Not by invitation, mind you, but because I fully thought the event started at a different time.

I was mortified.

I tried to excuse myself out of the house, saying I would just go for a walk until the proper time. Thankfully, my host was the extremely gracious and I ended up chatting with them and helping out until the other guests arrived.

When I texted my husband about it, he responded, “OMG. Your actual worst nightmare.” Because he knows me, and he knows I’ll be thinking about this for a long, long time. It’ll be a random night five years from now, and I’ll be lying awake in bed asking, “Do you think Emma secretly hates me because I saw her in sweats before brunch?”

Obviously not (if she did, I probably should rethink her as a friend anyway). But it's really hard for me to stop those thoughts from crowding my mind in the middle of the night. 

Little worries and concerns like these can spiral out of control when there’s a little one involved. All of the sudden you’re concerned about whether or not your baby is breathing in the next room when they’re just taking a nap, or obsessing over whether or not that glass of champagne you had when you were pregnant is going to stop your child from becoming a success. And you’re still concerned about that one brunch.

Did you know that according to the American Pregnancy Association, about 10 percent of women experience Postpartum Anxiety, 15 percent of new moms experience Postpartum Depression, and 50 to 75 percent of new moms experience the vaguely named “baby blues?” Because those numbers are staggering.We should be shouting about them constantly. Not to scare people, but to make them aware. This is a thing that happens, and you don’t have to go through it alone.

A therapist I was seeing once told me I should keep an eye on myself were I to get pregnant and have a baby, because I had an increased risk of experiencing one or more of these things. I am surrounded my information about parenting, development, and what it means to be a new parent. And I have wonderful supports, both in and out of the early childhood field, that I can turn to.

But what if you don’t?

We know that trauma and stress can have negative effects on a baby’s development. Not only that, we know that trauma, stress, anxiety, and depression can have serious effects on our own health and wellness.  If experiencing stress and anxiety is something relatively common early parenthood,what can you do?

Speak up. Talk about what you are going through with friends and family that you know are going to be caring and nonjudgmental. Not only will you get to share, you may be helping someone else find their own voice about what they are feeling.

Ask for help. This can be from friends and family, or from professionals. Find a professional that can help you through these feelings. Ask your pediatrician or own doctor who they can refer you to, and don’t wait for them to bring it up. Ask your partner for help engaging with your children, and take care of yourself.

Try mindfulness activities. A consistent journaling, exercise, and/or meditation routine has been shown to help, and can take five minutes. Start small, and use these techniques in combination with other supports if needed.

Talk about feelings. Don’t get into the nitty gritty with your child, but make sure that you teach them to label and talk about feelings. Show them that it is okay to feel sad, or mad, or happy, or frustrated. Practice what to do when you’re feeling down with them, such as counting to three while taking a deep breath or finding a corner where you can be calm.

Stress and anxiety and depression and, yes, the vaguely titled, aforementioned “baby blues” are very real, common things. Being a parent is hard work, and not always fun.

Make sure to ask for support when you need it. Yes, it can help your little one. Children learn through the context of relationships, so they need you to have a strong, loving relationship with yourself, with your friends, and with them.

You’re worth it, and you deserve all the support and love you need. So when you’re lying awake at night, thinking about how that seemingly perfect mom at the playgroup gave you a dirty look when your baby started crying, or when you are thinking about that one time you showed up to brunch an hour early, know this.

This is not easy stuff, but you are doing it. And that’s awesome.

 

Need help finding support, or want to know how to interact with your child when you are feeling anxious? Want some guidance on how to build a self-care routine? Reach out to us here and set up an initial FREE phone call.

how do i decide?

Decisions.

I’m going to be very honest with you: I hate making them.

I’m that person who has a hard time deciding where to go for dinner, or what movie to watch on Netflix because what if I make the wrong decision??? So I often fall back on old favorites. I’ll order Chinese food and put on “The Office” or “Friends” for the millionth time.

But when I finally have to pull the trigger and do something new or different? It usually works out! Sure, not all of choices are going to be great (That hot, new restaurant I was dying to go to was actually pretty “meh,” but at least now I know!).

If something as simple as where to go eat can get tricky, choices and decisions involving our kids are on another level entirely. Parents often ask me what they should do about this or that. What preschool should they pick? Who's the best pediatrician? What toy will help their kiddo start talking?

And if you ask any of the families I work with, they’ll tell you the same thing: I never give them a straight answer.

Super annoying, I know. But together, we always work on getting to an answer!

As parents, you know what you want for your kids. You do research. You observe your kiddo and know what’s going to be best for them. I’m always available to talk things through and share my opinion and expertise. Ultimately though? It’s up to you.

So next time you need to make a decision for your little one, think about what you already know. You know how your child learns. You know what they like. You know what they’re challenged by. Ask yourself some questions. Why is this decision so hard to make? Is there something that’s stopping me from deciding? And what’s going to happen if you make the wrong decision?

Trust your gut. Do the research. Go try that new restaurant; if it’s terrible you’ll make a different decision next time. Because that’s what it's all about, right? Learning from your choices.

Make the choice. You got this.

 

Need to talk through a big decision? Having trouble reflecting on what the best way forward is? Reach out to us here for some support!

moments of joy and delight

I often ask parents that I’m working with: “What makes your little one laugh? What makes them happy?”

Usually, this is an easy question to answer. “She thinks its so funny when her dad makes faces at here,” or “He loves it when he hears his mama’s voice.”

Together, we can use this information to find out what’s motivating to children, to help them learn and grow.

And then I ask the follow up question: “What brings you joy about your child?”

This one’s a little harder to answer, but we get there. “I love the way she smiles,” or “I can’t get enough of the way his eyes crinkle in the light.”

After that, I ask:. “What brings you joy?”

That one’s a toughie. Especially from a new parent, or one that just found out their child has a developmental delay. There may not be a ton of moments of joy right now, or they may be being overshadowed by tiredness, or grief, or stress.

But again, we get there. Together, we talk about how important it is to find those moments, to make time for them and really relish them.

Then comes the hard one. The real stumper.

“How do you and your child experience joy and delight together?”

In the 2015 book, “All Joy and No Fun”, author Jennifer Senior writes about how there is such a focus on doing for your kids and on making sure they are learning and happy, that we forget to have fun. We want to make moments of joy and delight, but we don’t enjoy them. They end up being another box ticked in a list of milestones, doctor’s appointments, and playgroups.

And you know what, a lot of times parenting isn’t fun. It’s not full of happiness and rainbows and puppies around the corner.

And that’s fine.

I want you to acknowledge you’re doing a good job. Notice the little things. Share your love and interests with your child because you know what? It's not just about them. It's about learning how to live life together. It's about teaching them how to find joy.

And it's about knowing how to talk about all of our feelings. Senior writes: “Vocabulary for aggravation is large. Vocabulary for transcendence is elusive.”

While I agree that sometimes it's easier to complain than it is to talk about the light in your life, I also think that you cannot have light without dark. And children need to be taught how to feel and talk about all the feelings. Then they can truly sit in and enjoy the joy with you.

 

Need some help noticing what brings you or your child joy? Not sure how to delight in things together? Reach out and we can make it happen together!

we parent how we were parented

It’s a common trope in movies and TV shows. The young woman yells at her kid, or her husband, or a stranger, then, with a look of horror on her face, she says, “Oh no, I’m turning into my mother!”

Maybe you’ve even said it yourself?

Well, it's a trope because it's something that happens in real life. And it happens a lot.  People draw on their own experience when faced with something new, and most of the times your only experience with raising kids is going to come from how you were raised.

Maybe your mother always sang you the same bedtime song  when you were little, and so you sing the same song to your own child when they’re upset. On the other hand, maybe you didn’t get a lot of affection when you were sick, and so you’re extra doting when your little one gets sick because that’s what you would have wanted. Experience can definitely be a good thing that you should draw upon.

But what about when your childhood or your experiences were not so good? What if you experienced trauma, or were told things that lowered your self-esteem, or were raised in a way that didn’t nurture your best self? Because nobody’s perfect, and most of us are parented at some point in our lives in a way that does not really fit with our personality or temperament.

Maybe not only were you not given love and care when you were sick, but you weren't given affection at all. So you may not know what giving love and care to little kids looks like, because you never received it yourself. How do you break out of this cycle, and truly give your child a parent who is attuned to their unique needs?

It starts with self-awareness.

Look back at your childhood.What do you wish had been different? Are you acting in ways that emphasize the negative things you may have been taught?

What’s upsetting you or making you anxious in your personal life? Could it stem from something that you received or did not receive from a parent or caregiver? How is that affecting your actions?

What about times of the day that are challenging with your child? How are you responding to them? Could you change the way you communicate? Is there something in the environment that is bothering them? Are you stressed about something else, and they are able to feel that?

Does this sound overwhelming? It definitely can be.

These are big, hard questions that often have big, hard answers. But once you find those answers, either by turning inwards or talking it out with someone else, it sometimes takes a small shift in how you act to make things feel a little better.

 

Need some help figuring out what aspects of your childhood are affecting your own parenting? Read more here or contact us and we’ll be happy to work with you.